God and Wine

1.20.15 - 2:09 am The range of emotions I experience in one day is mind-boggling and disturbing. I've gotten to the point where I shed no tears. I think my body is over that...for now. My smiles are met with sorrow. My great audition counters a relationship setback. Enemies outnumber friends, and that quest for happiness becomes elusive. My daily assessment of myself? I must be bipolar. And this happiness thing? ... My mom says, "happiness is fleeting" and that finding joy is the real journey. Thus, I commence: My extreme moments of joy are mostly connected to music. Writing music, arranging a dope rendition of an old 60's song, lyric painting, and rehearsals for church choirs and bands. In fact, my church life has been my greatest joy since my return to New York City. There's no greater feeling than walking into the sanctuary of First Corinthian Baptist Church, on a cold Tuesday afternoon, and hanging out for 2 hours with some awesome pastors and congregants. Th...

It occurred to me that some people find my vulnerability problematic. They don't like that I talk openly about real problems...I mean, real life. They are uncomfortable with the ugliness of the journey. I started doubting the significance of my writings-hence, why I haven't blogged in a while- but my daunting thoughts have been clogging my arteries, disturbing my peace, and preventing sleep. I will continue to write, and I insist on only writing truths, as I have always done. Today, I feel unworthy. My mood is so indeterminable it almost feels indifferent. But it's not indifference. I know indifference. I don't do indifference. I'm feeling frustrated, disappointed in myself for abandoning my sobriety, and uncertain of what the future holds for my careers, my relationships, and my spiritual growth. There are good days and there are bad days...today's an ugly day. My sleeping pills have run out, I've given up relying on alcohol for companionship, and it...

Welp, I made it through New Year's Eve sober and was completely fine with that. At midnight, my friend, her 3-year old son, and I toasted to 2015 with a glorious glass of bubbly ginger beer! Ha! I woke up this morning in my right mind and without a hangover headache! It’s weird, still. I didn't realize until this week how much of a friend alcohol was. I feel like I lost someone close to me, and by choice; it's as if I murdered my best friend. I'm determined to complete at least 30 days of sobriety. My relationship with alcohol hasn't been extremely problematic. I mean, I used to drink before working at the restaurant sometimes, never before a rehearsal, sometimes during a late night singing gig, never before church, sometimes after church, always on dates, sometimes during writing sessions... I don't think I'm an alcoholic. Then again, does any alcoholic think he or she has a problem? I am mostly on this journey to test my self-control and move through...