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I lay on my left side
In a loose fetal position
With my left arm softly wrapped around my body
On a curved diagonal
Where my hand cups the fat just above my hip
My right arm crosses up towards my shoulder
The backhand meets the cushion of my cheek
I hold myself loosely
Wishing for a firmness of grip
That only another could create
My left hand slips upward
Towards a tiny love handle
Tears drip like wax from candles
Running down my hand
Hardening like hearts do
What is this hug I force upon myself?
Willing a touch that fills
Breath behind my ear that heals
stillness steals the urge to scream
I grip tighter and harder
These nightmares I dream
Are growing ulcers and tumors
That bleed into my strangled stomach
days turn into nights
fingernails sink into skin
I am awaiting
Him

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